Congress Proposes Bill Demanding Half of All Franchisee Fees

Taking a short break from accomplishing absolutely nothing, today Congress showed an unheard of level of bipartisanship in support of a bill that would see 50 percent of all franchisee fees going to the federal government, as well as establish a standardized fee benchmark across all brands that is in some cases twice as high as current levels.

House Majority Leader Oliver Klozoff (R) released a statement ahead of a vote on the bill highlighting how support for the legislation has crossed aisles.

“American students continue to fall behind children in other industrialized countries in regards to math, science and reading, but instead of doing anything about that, we all figured we’d just gouge the franchising industry with more legislation intended to make it more difficult for small-business owners to achieve their dreams of entrepreneurship,” Klozoff said.

When reached for comment, Klozoff told 1851, “Yeehaw!” in an exaggerated Southern accent despite being a congressman from California.

House Minority Leader Jacques Strap (D) was slightly less enigmatic regarding what was driving this legislation.

“Well, we’re… we’re kinda broke,” Strap said. “America, I mean. And since the top 1 percent of U.S. earners enjoy more in government tax breaks than the bottom 80 percent of Americans combined thanks to a complicated and corrupt system that has been designed to reward only the very rich, we decided we’d just screw over franchisees and the brands they’re trying to work with. More than we already do, I mean.”

Anonymous sources told 1851 President Obama, who was purportedly and ironically eating a Big Mac at the time, expressed no intention of vetoing the bill.

“I’m outta here in like a year anyway,” he allegedly said, shrugging and sighing. “Whatevs.”